The story behind Daughters, Not Sons, my debut book in progress

Growing up, I heard of my father’s sister Harbans Kaur in passing—hazy snippets of memories, spoken of casually as if adding more emphasis would make acknowledging what happened too painful to grasp. I had never met her. She had died before my parents were married. My aunt Harbans was brutally murdered by her husband for dowry. This story had been passed down the generations, a wound that never healed because it was not fully acknowledged. Justice was never served in her murder. My father was changed forever due to his sister’s murder. As I grew up and experienced my own life and the accompanying trauma of a failed marriage, I dug deeper into Harbans aunt’s story. Why was she murdered? What did she look like? What was her nature? How could we all move on from such a terrible event in our family’s history?

I began to ask for details from my mother, my father’s youngest surviving sister, and other relatives. As I pieced the story together, I knew I had to write it down.

Other female relatives stories started to emerge as I talked to my mother and other relatives. Their stories too had not been heard or acknowledged—incredible stories of courage and resilience. It was their legacy that I knew I carried in my blood. I had to write their stories so that their lives were not lived in vain. And those lessons of bravery and resistance could shape what was to come.

I began to put down words to paper in 2020 and shared my initial thoughts with Theo Nestor, a published author, coach, and teacher. With her wonderful feedback on how to bring the stories to life, I began to interview my mother in 2021. She was living with us in our home in California, having moved to the US after the passing of my father in India. The timing was perfect to have her living with us because I could spend late afternoons and weekends interviewing her about women in the family. These sessions delving into the past were juxtaposed with what was unfolding in the present around us—unimaginable death, loss, and grief due to the COVID-19 pandemic. It was a small cocoon that she and I could disappear into as we talked about the stories of these incredible women I was related to.

It was in early 2021 that I also joined a wonderful book-building program offered by a UK-based publisher called Rethink Press. The coaching sessions with Lucy McCarraher were the structure I needed to organize my book. Once the 4-month coaching sessions with Lucy were over, the core group of 8-10 women formed an informal writing support group to carry on the essence of what we all needed—support, connection, and accountability. We named ourselves “The Ten”—10 dynamic women, CEOs, lawyers, marketing specialists, and of course, myself, the lone anthropologist. Weekly sessions became about accountability, sharing progress, and uplifting those discouraged by what all went into writing a book.

I started working with Mike Elliston in December 2021, a playwright and author based in the UK, on a developmental edit. It was the boost I needed—his words of encouragement, support, and brilliant suggestions made the manuscript a 100 times better. He saw things clearly across chapters, something that I had tunnel vision about. Our work together took us into the fall of 2021. I had a full draft ready! And I was ready to share and get feedback from a small group of readers—friends and relatives in India. My mother, the chief source of stories and I got on a plane to India for a month in October 2022. It felt like a pilgrimage and a journey of love, reconnecting to the surviving relatives, sharing what I had written, and receiving their love in return.

I am currently making revisions based on feedback from early readers and also submitting the draft to publishers. If you are interested in learning more, do get in touch.